Getting to Know Me

Please sing the title to the tune of “Getting to Know You.”

For months, I told myself, “I am enough” many times each day. I said it when I woke up and right before I fell asleep. I said it when I was working on something difficult and when I was doing laundry. Over and over, sometimes aloud, sometimes in my head, “I am enough.” And, at some point I started believing that I, in fact, am enough.

It stopped mattering that my mother was abusive, angry and resentful towards me starting before I was even born. It stopped mattering that my ex-husband had treated me just like my mother did. Or, that my sisters looked down on me, judging everything I did or didn’t do.

I’ve always known that I have value, that I am intelligent, strong, capable, a good mother and wife. Yet I could never convince my heart of those facts. My knowledge and beliefs were completely out of line with each other. Realizing, accepting and believing that “I am enough” aligned my knowledge and beliefs about myself for the first time in my 61 years of life.

Two months ago, I was writing in a workbook based on the Law of Attraction. The exercise I was doing was about rooting out false beliefs we have. Specifically, false beliefs we have about ourselves. “List all the beliefs you have about yourself,” it directed. I did that. “Which ones are untrue?” Gulp. I wrote for a while. There was more. . .

“When did you start having each of those false beliefs?”

“What caused you to start believing that about yourself?”

“List all the reasons why each of those beliefs is untrue.”

Realizing I falsely believed I was unlovable, unworthy, inferior to my siblings and had a fat, disgusting body didn’t upset me much. What caused me to start sobbing was the awareness that those beliefs were firmly entrenched before I was five-years-old.

I cried off and on for a few days, felt foggy for a couple of weeks. Suddenly, I came to a screeching halt. My thoughts became still and clear. “Wait a minute. I now believe ‘I am enough,’ but who am “I” in light of the false beliefs I’ve had about myself since I was a small child?” As introspective, curious and driven as I am, I had to figure out the answer.

I started a new journal. Each day I address one personal trait or ask myself a question about some aspect of life or my beliefs. Sometimes I write a simply statement (I hate chaos) and sometimes I go on and on (three pages on my love of Mexico, its language and its culture). If I am writing about a belief, I also explore why I have that belief.

I’ve added to this journal for 32 days now. I have covered a range of topics, such as:

· My sense of humor

· How I feel about being a parent

· My political affiliation and why I chose it

· My insatiable curiosity

· Hating conflict

· The need to be very organized

· Intuition

· My creativity

It is so easy to lose track of who we are. False beliefs about ourselves, our roles in life, our personal history, other’s expectations of us and the busyness of life all get in the way. The core of who we are isn’t “I’m a mother” or “I was an abused child” or “I am a nurse.” While being a mother, abused child or nurse will certainly effect who you are, they don’t define you. Who you are is a combination of likes/dislikes, strengths/weaknesses, dreams, talents, morals, beliefs and values unique to you.

I believe the time and work are worth the benefits. Defining who you are:

· Gives you a firm foundation. When you know yourself intimately, you won’t flounder so much when faced with difficult decisions or other’s expectations of you. You know what you want and believe; you know what your morals and ethics are. That knowledge empowers and guides you. Mahatma Ghandi said, “Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny.”

· Provides a spring board for change. In the process of defining who you are, you may find untrue beliefs, values that no longer seem important or goals that are unreasonable or no longer worthwhile. You will also discover strengths, under-utilized talents and long-forgotten dreams. You will get specific about what you want and don’t want. All of that knowledge is fodder for change. You’ll know what crap you need get rid of and in which direction you need to head. As G.I. Joe used to say, “Knowing is half the battle.”

I’m not done learning who I am. Getting to know myself in such a clear, focused way has been an amazing, liberating and sometimes difficult process. It has had nothing to do with what my “personality” is or what anyone else thinks about me. It’s simply me getting to know and understand myself. Nobody else is invited.

Related posts:

Jordan Chariton returns to reporting with a new media venture. He has evidence that the Flint water is still not up to par, and the corporate media refuses to accept his story.

Internet and television, the two most important mediums for dissipation of news, heavily incentivize speed and quantity. While these two can be great assets for a journalist in some situations, in…