Sacrifices?

Sometimes I have to ask myself what brought me to a particular moment in time when I have been able to come to the necessary conclusions about how the world works.

So much of my daily time, I spend energy just asking very critically about my relationship with my future self in response to how ridiculous things could get. I think in many ways, my repeated self-criticism really inhibits my capacity to act at times. In the instances that I do attempt to actually refrain from this and be more focused on what is within my own control, I see success. Within the paradox of choice, knowing there are only so many different means for you to actually

There’s something to be said for being actually disciplined in how we act and how we move, in spite of the structural barriers that inhibit our capacity to get things done. I have spent so much of the last few weeks trying to come up with an idea of what actually matters to me at this moment, in this time. What are the spaces/projects that I genuinely care about investing energy into, and where do I find there to be avenues for me to actually get things done? I think that so much of my honest reflections on how and why I’m procrastinating or being stressed about how things in my life have been going stem from this primary tension. How much of my time working on this thesis inhibits my ability to get things done outside of this work? How much time of my applying to possible part-time jobs for the summer and fall impact my ability to get things done for the thesis?

What I think has been the most eye-opening facet of all of this for me has been how much more undecided or in doubt I am about my future. To consider that just turning 22 as an indication that I need to entirely have everything sorted out is quite an excessive level of stress I do not need now. I need to be thinking about the exciting things that could be ahead of me, about the optimism that keeps things looking up. I can’t expect to spend much of the last five months in school expecting that I miraculously can balance it all in a sustainable manner without making sacrifices. I need to understand a bit better what it is I actually want to prioritize and where I will have to make decisions to reduce my commitments. It doesn’t mean I drop things immediately, or that I attempt to silo myself. But I do need to get a grip on things again.

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