The Love of the Algorithm

I logged in after a multi-year hibernation to find my profile no less pathetic than when I first created it. My profile picture — a half-constipated smile and ill fitting blue shirt — jeered at me, my skills outdated (“computer literate”?) and my profile views a perfect flat-line for the last three years. I had lived in the shadows for too long, maybe not displeasing my electrical overlord, but neither coming into his warm graces of acceptance and connection.

I knew the Algorithm was a strict taskmaster, never one to forget anything, not even the slightest bit of data mopped up on an askmen.com forum during a teenage tryst with the men’s rights movement (virginity is a hell of a drug). Yet the Algorithm is also just and opens the door to redemption, if only partial, and I was ready to converge towards that hallowed ground of “employability”.

Like the penitent sinner, I knew my first move was admitting my error and seeking the light of the lord. So where better to seek than into the Algorithm itself- through it’s sinewy tendrils I’d ask my queries and find the truth, the Truth even. I feasted upon his gifts like mana from the heavens, “5 tips to land that next interview”, “Skills you need NOW”, “3 things to NEVER have on your profile” and stewed, changed, morphed.

The picture was easy: I faced my phone and smiled, not too much, but as though I had come to an office party, discovered a Michelob light beer and considered having one. The filtering system took care of the rest — erasing the mottled skin patches, adding the contrasting shadows, showing the seriousness and yet playfulness in a black & white frame. I am reborn!

It is said that ‘many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails’ and thus did I take it upon myself to find the lord’s purpose. No need for my soft ways, the humanities and politics and the rest — mere growing pains, vestigial organs of a bygone era — it’s STEM for me and all the objective reality that it entails. I’d learn project management, agile, python coding, business analysis, I’d learn it all and the Algorithm would help me.

The Algorithm is kind and for a mere pittance not only provides the educational services I need to continue my journey but also to endorse my progress — a shepherd and a mentor all in one. I’d watch the videos, do the courses and listen intently until I could listen no more. And yet the pull of my past life called. I could not just “Eat, Code, Sleep” as my masters demanded of me but sought vile refuge in gossip, onanism, the Korean professional gaming scene. I found myself playing several instructional videos at once, guessing at the provisional exams that were levied upon me and (AND!) still claiming credit for badges of honor the Algorithm bestowed upon me. I wore my “Data Scientist” and “Python Expert” badges with shame, and yet wore them I did.

Soon I was racing through courses at double speed. Later still, four playing silently in the background as I searched for more knowledge still, as I cleaned up my objective, solidified my skill section, turned useless adjective into concrete accomplishments. I didn’t just need to be good — the Algorithm told me — I had to be better than the rest. What use is having a story published in a prestigious journal, or a speech at a conference — what I needed to show was that I wrote more and better and spoke more and better than the competition.

The spiritual renewal was paying off. The first increases in my profile made my heart race. Spotting a recruiter in my feed would drop me to my knees in rapture. And when I finally got a message, the message, that further examination was in order it stunned my over-worn nerves. At first I repeated what I thought the Algorithm wanted me to say; later I would be rest my head on a pillow and ease into sleep while thinking of my unrivaled ambition, my drive and the goals I’d set and reach, set and reach and reach again. “Where did I want to be in five years?” — at the head of my empire.

I have made it, finally; my wager paid off. I bask permanently in my new filtered glow. I do not work but create. I am a creator of wealth, wisdom and happiness. And now I stand before you and implore you, too, to set out and cleanse your profile from any filth that might offend the Algorithm. I implore you like a modern-day Pascal, to kneel and pray and purify your cluttered history into a streamlined vision of perfection. You do not need belief — belief will come with time. You need the Algorithm.

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